Issue No. 14

Table of Contents

• Health and Healing: The Power of Touch
• Interpersonal Relationship: How to Say Sorry
• Inner Peace: Relieving Tension by Chi Breathing
• Inner Peace: Try This Meditation
• Inner Peace: Fix It or Accept It
• Health: Be Careful of that Cup of Coffee
• Parenting: Don't Spank Your Child
• Personal Effectiveness: Why Customers Don't Come Back
• Resources: Peace Quotes
• Parenting: Teach Children "Magic" Words
• Interpersonal Relationship: Ways to Nourish Friendship
• Communication: If You Feel Nervous About a Presentation
• Child Education: Recognizing Negative Programming in Children
• Parenting: Handling Selfishness of Children
• Peace Club Project: Skits for Drug Prevention
• Inner Peace: If You are Attracted to Your Subordinate
• Parenting: Does Your Child Lie to You?
• Interpersonal Relationships: A Vital Tip for Dealing with People
• Relaxation: Music That Induces Relaxation
• Child Education: Children Do What They See
• Conflict Resolution: Making Your "Enemy" Listen

HEALTH AND HEALING

Relieving Tension by Chi Breathing

We can cooperate with our body's natural wisdom by practicing chi breathing whenever we feel tired or tense. Chi is the life energy that circulates through our inner body. It is also known as prana. Our vitality depends upon the smooth circulation of chi. Here is an exercise suggested by Diane Dreher, author of The Tao of Peace:

• Sit or stand with your spine straight, inhaling slowly and deeply through your nose, taking the air deep into your abdomen, not your chest. Loosen your belt and put your hand on your stomach to feel the air move down into this area.
• Visualize the radiant chi energy as a brilliant golden light surrounding you and flowing in with each breath.
• Feel the warm chi energy flowing down into your abdomen through your body.
• Hold your breath and count slowly to three (working up to ten seconds if you wish).
• Slowly exhale through your mouth, feeling any tension melt away in the arm.
• Repeat this three times and you will be deeply relaxed and renewed.

SOURCE: DIANE DREHER, THE TAO OF PEACE, DONALD I. FINE INC., NEW YORK.

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INNER PEACE

Fix It or Accept It

Do you avoid smiling because your teeth are crooked or discolored? Do you feel too fat or too thin to be lovable? Are you always conscious that you are going bald?

Author Catherine Rollins gives this age-old advice to those who feel that they have weaknesses or imperfections that their self-esteem or self-confidence is affected: Fix it or accept it.

• Seek professional assistance. See your dentist, doctor, ophthalmologist, etc. You may be able to do something about the annoying physical attribute.
• Discuss it with a counselor. Do some soul-searching and explore why and how your outer appearance is affecting your inner self. Reappraise your desire for personal beauty and your expectations about how much you can change your appearance.
• Accept what cannot be changed. Change what you can change without causing yourself harm, and learn to accept what you cannot. Stop complaining about your appearance. Do what you can, and then go with it. Do not continually call attention to what you perceive to be a weakness.
• No excuses. Stop using your physical appearance as an excuse for not participating, for not trying or not succeeding.

SOURCE: CATHERINE E. ROLLINS, 52 WAYS TO BUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE. THOMAS NELSON PUBLISHERS, NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, U.S.A.

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HEALTH

Be Careful of that Cup of Coffee

Heavy drinkers of coffee should beware. A 19-year study at Northwestern University showed that people who drank six or more cups per day of coffee were 71% more likely to die prematurely from heart disease. The subjects of this study were 1,910 male employees of Western Electric Company in Chicago. Caffeine has been linked to heart attack, arrhythmia, insomnia, anxiety and irritability. It is one of the drugs banned for Olympic athletes.

SOURCE: MARILYN FERGUSON, BOOK OF PRAGMAGIC, POCKET BOOKS, SIMON & SCHUSTER INC. 1230 AVENUE OF THE AMERICAS, NEW YORK, N& 10020, U.S.A.

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PARENTING

Don't Spank Your Child

Experts are questioning the age-old form of disciplining children by spanking or physical punishment. "They believe," writes Liezel Angeles, "whipping is not necessarily the best way to mold children's behavior. If it is wrong to hit people, then it is also wrong to hit children, because they are also people." Besides, says Radda Barnen who belongs to an international group of children's advocates, hitting children is a violation of their fundamental rights as human beings. Ms. Angeles states these reasons:

• Hitting a child can be dangerous. Physical punishment is intended to cause pain, and research reveals that they do cause harm, such as damaged eardrums, concussion, brain injury, etc.
• It is often an outlet for adult pent-up emotions. Parents who are stressed due to work or finances are prone to snap or hit their kids. This is not justifiable. Many parents become guilty and more stressed.
• It worsens culture of violence. Physical punishment triggers more violent behavior among children as they grow up. When they in turn become parents, they will continue this kind of violence.

Here are suggested alternatives to physical punishment:

• Use motivation and reasoning. Child psychologists say that there are better ways of teaching a child proper behavior. Explain to them why they should behave in certain ways.
• Set high expectations on his cooperation, by bolstering his confidence and believing that he can change.
• Be realistic in your expectations. Accept that your child is not perfect and once in a while he might commit mistakes.
• Show by example. Children develop self-discipline when they see the examples of adults.
• Reward positive behavior. Give positive recognition to desirable behaviors, either by praise, or by a gift. Often a warm hug will do.

SOURCE: MONEYSAVER MAGAZINE, SEPTEMBER, 1995, CONCORDE CONDOMINIUM, 5TH FLOOR, 200 BENAVIDEZ CORNER SALCEDO STREET, LEGASPI VILLAGE, MAKATI, PHILIPPINES

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PERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS

Why Customers Don't Come Back

If you are engaged in some form of trade, you may learn from this poster on why customers quit buying from a store or business:

• 1% die
• 3% move away
• 5% form other friendships
• 9% for competitive reasons
• 14% because of product dissatisfaction
• 68% because of attitude of indifference towards customer by some employee

A positive and caring attitude is not only conducive to personal happiness, it is also effective in business.

SOURCE: PROMOD BATRA, MANAGEMENT THOUGHTS. GOLDEN BOOKS CENTRE SDN. BHD., 14, 1ST FLOOR, LORONG BUNUS ENAM, OFF JALAN MASJID INDIA, 50100 KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA.

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INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP

Ways to Nourish Friendship

Here are tested ways to nurture lasting friendships:

• Permit your friends to be themselves. Accept them as they are. Be grateful for what is there, not annoyed by what friends can't give. Accept each other's imperfections and uniqueness, and don't feel threatened if their opinions and tastes sometimes differ from yours.
• Give each other space. Friends who try to invade the inner space of another risk destroying the relationship.
• Be ready to give and receive. Be eager to help and able to ask for help as well. But don't be over-demanding or let yourself be used.
• Make your advice constructive. When a friend needs to talk, listen without interruption. If advice is asked for, be positive and supportive.
• Be loyal. It means "being with" your friend in bad times as well as good. It means honoring confidence, and neither disparaging a friend in his absence nor allowing others to do so.
• Give praise and encouragement. Tell them what you like about them, how thankful you are for their presence in your life. Delight in their talents, applaud their successes.
• Be honest. Open communication is the essence of friendship. Express your feelings, good or bad, instead of bottling up your anger or anxiety. Clearing the air helps a relationship grow. But be aware of what is better left unsaid.
• Treat friends as equals. In true friendship there is no Number One, no room for showing off how smart and successful you are, for envy, for feeling superior or inferior.
• Trust your friends. Make the effort to believe in the intrinsic goodness of your friends.
• Be willing to risk. We often fear being rejected and hurt. We don't want to reveal our vulnerability. But unless we dare to love others, we condemn ourselves to a sterile life.

SOURCE: EAST AND WEST SERIES, MARCH 1995, 10, SADHU VASWANI PATH, PUNE 411 001, INDIA

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COMMUNICATION

If You Feel Nervous About a Presentation

Here is a reminder from Bob Boylan in his book, What's Your Point?: The ultimate factor in reducing nervousness and building confidence is rehearsal. We can't say it loudly enough! IF YOU DON'T REHEARSE, DON'T PRESENT!

SOURCE: BOB BOYLAN, WHAT'S YOUR POINT? WARNER BOOKS INC., NEW YORK, NY, U.S.A.

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CHILD EDUCATION

Recognizing Negative Programming in Children

Many children develop fear or lack of self-confidence due to negative programming as they grew up. They may been subjected to verbal put-downs very often. Here are the main indicators, according to author Steve Biddulph, in children who grew up with negative programming and who need your help as an elder or teacher:

• The child hangs back from other children, looks sad or agitated or does not respond to overtures of friendship from other children;
• The child joins in but, when presented with a learning task or activity, will not try it and looks fearful or distracted if approached on a one-to-one basis;
• The child hits out at other children and reacts inappropriately when spoken (like laughing when chastised), and does not seem to have positive exchanges with other children.

It is useful to regard this kind of child as having missed out on affection and on being valued and affirmed in early part of life (0-2 years).

• He needs positive messages that are not linked to performance but are simply strokes for "being," such as "Hello Erica, nice to see you."
• A friendly touch or hug with the child, being careful not to make him seem different from the others, also provides reassurance.
• Avoid using put-down statements yourself (especially when the child seems to invite it) and use assertive statements rather than "you" statements that control the child, such as "Go and get your bag now" instead of "You're so forgetful, Anna."
• Try a casual and friendly chat with the parents before broaching the problem. You can simply explain that you noticed that the child's self-esteem is low and ask if they find they easily criticize him or call him names. Explain that you, too, feel this way when you're tired but you've realized how children can take it to heart to a surprising degree.
• The way to establish a beneficial and significant relationship with an aggressive child is to persist firmly and without becoming angry or irritated. Eye contact, especially with humor behind the eyes as you reinforce your firmness, will signal that you are powerful enough to contain the child, so that he or she can begin to relax.
• Try to give them special roles with genuine responsibility and privilege.

SOURCE: STEVE BIDDULPH, THE SECRET OF HAPPY CHILDREN, BAY BOOKS PTY LTD. 61-69 ANZAC PARADE, KENSINGTON NSW 2033, AUSTRALIA.

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INNER PEACE

If You are Attracted to Your Subordinate

If you find that you are attracted to one of your subordinates and you are now beginning to flirt with him or her, beware for you may putting both you and the other person in deep trouble. Dr. Richard E. Byrd points out the following:

• If either or both of you are married, this will bother your colleagues. It will affect both of you in your work situation and relationships. You aren't even doing your friend any good, because if the whole matter is raised to higher authorities, he or she will tend to become the "fall guy," which is unfair to him or her.
• Even if both of you are single, it can still spell trouble. When the two of you get into quarrels even behind close doors, it can be embarrassing to others.
• You may be consciously or unconsciously taking advantage of your superior position in getting the other person attracted to you. You have power over job security, promotion, tasks, etc. You cannot be certain how much these can influence the "attraction," even if you are not intentionally using them.
• If you find yourself beginning to cast seductive glances toward one of your staff members, or they towards you, it is best to stop it. Depending on how strong the infatuation is, you may even request that you or the other person transfer to another unit.
• Ask yourself: "Am I being fair to all concerned?" If the answer is no, or you find yourself straining to make your answer fit your desires, then you may wish to consult a counselor you can trust.

SOURCE: RICHARD E. BYRD, PH.D., SAY THE MAGIC WORDS. THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP, 200 MADISON AVE., NEW YORK, NY 10016, U.S.A.

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PARENTING

Does Your Child Lie to You?

Children lie for various reasons: to avoid punishment or embarrassment, to protect privacy or their friends, to obtain something they can't have or garner the admiration of peers. Lying is a problem when it is a habit. Studies have shown that it is associated with more serious antisocial behavior such as stealing, or conduct disorder. Here are steps that you can do, as suggested by the Children's National Medical Center:

• View your child's first lie not as a major moral offense but as an opportunity to build on your relationship.
• Remember that yelling and self-righteous indignation will make it harder for him or her to admit mistakes in the future. Appropriate handling of a lie is an investment in your child's future. You want your child to feel that he or she can come and tell you anything, no matter how reprehensible it may be.
• Remain calm. If that means you have to wait an hour to discuss an incident rationally, do so.
• With young children, who are so afraid of losing your approval, be sure to say it was the behavior, not the child, that is bad. "You're better than that" conveys the idea that you do think that he is a good person. Say it in a way that will not shame him.
• Try to help a child explore why he lied, as a way of coming to understand himself. For example, instead of shouting at him for lying about the whereabouts of a report card, try, "Tell me about the report card. Was it bad? How bad?" Explain that you are disappointed, that lying breaks trust. Perhaps help him build a sense of consequences by asking, "What do you think I should do about this?"
• Praise a child for his honesty. A child who grows up in a home where it is safe to admit mistakes is more likely to be an honest, morally sound adult.
• Watch your own behavior. If a child hears you constantly making up phony excuses for lateness or turning down engagements, he will follow suit.
• Don't lie to your child. Even so called "white lies" can erode the relationship of trust between you and your child.
• When in doubt, err on the side of believing your child. Admit your mistake and apologize when you thought he was lying and wasn't.

SOURCE: CHILDREN'S NATIONAL MEDICAL CENTER, A TO Z GUIDE TO YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOR. PERIGEE BOOKS, THE PUTNAM PUBLISHING GROUP, 200 MADISON AVENUE, NEW YORK, NY 10016, U.S.A.

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CHILD EDUCATION

Children Do What They See

Studies show that children are strongly affected by the examples they see in parents, adults, TV, movies, etc.

In one study, children watched an adult attack a large blown-up "Bo-Bo" doll. Some saw an actual adult punch, hit and kick the doll. Others saw a film of the action, and a third group saw a cartoon version.

Later when the children were given a "Bo-Bo" doll, most of them imitated what they saw. Even the cartoon version encouraged aggression, though to a lesser degree than the actual and filmed version.

The modeling effect of films and TV is demonstrated by what a convicted criminal once told TV Guide Magazine: "TV taught me how to steal cars, how to break into establishments, how to go about robbing people, even how to roll a drunk. Once after having watched Hawaii Five-O, I robbed a gas station. The show showed me how to do it."

SOURCE: DENNIS COON, INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOLOGY. WEST PUBLISHING CO., 50 KELLOGG BLVD., ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA 55165, U.S.A.

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Making Your Enemy Listen

A basic problem in conflict resolution is that both sides are not really listening to each other. And if you truly listen, the other may not be. Here is one approach from Lanza del Vasto:

"You accuse me of this or that thing well, it's not true. But there is this thing you are not accusing me of and it is true -" oh, and your enemy will listen. And of course that's the first thing to be listened to by your enemy. And another occasion to be listened to, is to search if your enemy hasn't one day in the past said something true, done something beautiful. "Oh, and I did that? Ah, yes-" and he will listen!

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HEALTH AND HEALING

The Power of Touch

Do not underestimate the power of touching other people.

A study was made on 200 hospital patients wherein half of them were to be touched by every doctor, nurse or staff who walk into the room. The other half were not to be touched at all except when necessary. It was found that the patients who were touched healed three times faster than those who were not touched.

People respond positively when they are touched. Do it to your spouse, children, and friends.

SOURCE: SUSAN SMITH JONES, CHOOSE TO LIVE EACH DAY FULLY, CELESTIAL ARTS PUBLISHING, P.O. BOX 7123, BERKELEY, CA 94707, U.S.A.

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INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP

How to Say Sorry

Just saying sorry is not enough, according to Dr. Aaron Lazare, an American psychiatrist. When apologizing, the vital element is the timing. If one apologizes while the other person still feel furious, the apology is likely to be rejected. It is better to wait and watch until the other person calms down before saying, "I'm sorry."

SOURCE: EAST AND WEST SERIES, MAY 1995, 10, SADHU VASWANI PATH, PUNE 411 001, INDIA

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INNER PEACE

Try This Meditation

This is called the "I am Happy," "I am Sad" Meditation, suggested by David Harp and Nina Feldman:

• Relax and calm your minds and feelings
• Choose two contradictory "I am" statements, like "I am happy" and "I am sad," or "I am tired" and "I am alert."
• Choose one and visualize it as clearly as possible. If you chose "I am tired," picture yourself yawning, and feel the sluggishness of your body. Then quickly visualize the other one, "I am alert." Picture yourself brimming with vigor, feeling energetic, eyes bright and watchful. Go back and forth between the two, and try to feel how neither is very "true."
• Now just say " I am," and experience how "true" that seems. Try to observe the sensation "I am." What is it like? Is someone or something, some awareness, inside you, looking out? Who? Who am I?

SOURCE: DAVID HARP WITH NINE FELDMAN, THE 3-MINUTE MEDITATOR. JUDY PIATKUS (PUBLISHERS) LTD, 5 WINDMILL STREET, LONDON W1P 1HF, UK

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RESOURCES

Peace Quotes

I have no race prejudice . . .
. . . I think I have no color prejudices or caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed I know it. I can stand any society. All that I care to know is that a man is a human being -- that is enough for me; he can't be any worse.
MARK TWAIN

Nonviolence . . .
. . . which is a quality of the heart, cannot come by an appeal to the brain.
MAHATMA GANDHI

Nonviolence . . .
. . . doesn't always work -- but violence never does.
MADGE MICHEELS-CYRUS

No army . . .
. . . can withstand the strength of an idea whose time has come.
VICTOR HUGO

The evils of government . . .
. . . are directly proportional to the tolerance of the people.
FRANK KENT

We have seen the enemy . . .
. . . and he is us.
WALT KELLY, "Pogo"

If a man doesn't find something to die for . . .
. . . he probably hasn't anything to live for.
JAMES BEVEL

The journey of a thousand leagues . . .
. . . begins with a single step. So we must never neglect any work of peace within our reach, however small.
ADLAI E. STEVENSON

Very few people chose war . . .
. . . They chose selfishness and the result was war. Each of us, individually and nationally, must choose: total love or total war.
DAVE DELLINGER

To drop tension from your life . . .
. . . practice the getting of tranquillity by passing peaceful words and thoughts through your mind daily and nightly. They have a strange healing quality.
NORMAN VINCENT PEALE

Because We Want Peace . . .
. . . with half a heart and half a life and will, the war of course continues because the waging of war is total. But the waging of peace, by our own cowardice, is partial. So a whole will and a whole heart and a whole national life bent toward war prevail over the [mere desire for] peace.
DANIEL BERRIGAN

Give thanks daily . . .
. . . for your blessings. Get the habit of thinking happy thoughts. Go out of your way to make other people happy. There is your formula for real happiness and enthusiasm.
NORMAN VINCENT PEALE

Aye, fight! . . .
. . . But not your neighbor. Fight rather all the things that cause you and your neighbor to fight.
MIKHAIL NAIM

Integrity . . .
. . . includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth -- in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words -- in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. This requires an integrated character, a oneness, primarily with self but also with life.
STEPHEN R. COVEY

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PARENTING

Teach Children "Magic" Words

Here is a game suggested by Linda and Richard Eyre which you can play with your children that will help them realize the value of kindness and friendliness.

• First, tell the children any story that involves magic words - abracadabra, Rumpelstiltskin - or any story you may invent.
• Then ask them if there is really such a thing as real magic words -words that make good things happen when they are used.

And the answer is . . . ?

Yes, there are such words.

Words like "Please," "thank you," "excuse me," "you're welcome" and similar words make people smile, make them feel better, make the world work better. Isn't that magic?

Explain this notion several times and prepare your children for the simple correction or reminder, "Remember to use the magic words."

SOURCE: LINDA AND RICHARD EYRE, TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN VALUES. SIMON & SCHUSTER, 1230 AVENUE OF THE AMERICAS, NY, NY, U.S.A.

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PARENTING

Handling Selfishness of Children

Very young children tend to be egocentric, and hence selfish. As they grow up, they learn how to share and understand the feelings of others. Some, however, continue to exhibit selfishness and will tend to experience difficulty in dealing with others later in life.

Selfishness can come from any of the following factors:

• Being overindulgent or overprotected at home;
• Coming from a family where there is intense competition for things and for parental attention;
• Emotional insecurity or anxiety.

There are steps that parents can do to help correct selfishness in children:

• Be an example. Show empathy and sharing with others.
• Discuss with them about respecting the rights and needs of others.
• Praise children when they do share, and don't respond when they try to get your attention by purposely acting selfish.
• Help them develop patience and don't give them immediately what they demand.
• Treat your children equally and discourage efforts to try to be best by getting more attention.
• The strongest lesson may come from seeing other children lose friends when they are selfish. In other words, selfishness is disadvantageous in many ways.

SOURCE: CHILDREN'S NATIONAL MEDICAL CENTER, A TO Z GUIDE TO YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOR. PERIGEE BOOKS, THE PUTNAM PUBLISHING GROUP, 200 MADISON AVENUE, NEW YORK, NY 10016, U.S.A.

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PEACE CLUB PROJECT

Skits for Drug Prevention

Here is what eighth grade students in Pine Bluff, Arkansas, do to help fight drugs and alcohol. Together with their school counselor, they developed skips and rap music that they perform in local elementary schools. They call their group IMPRES -- Information Makes Prevention Realistic and Effective. They show kids how to improve their self-esteem and develop a positive self-image.

After the performance, they stay and have lunch with the younger kids so they can talk to them individually and encourage them to stay away from drugs and alcohol.

SOURCE: PATRICIA ADAMS AND JEAN MARZOLLO, THE HELPING HANDS HANDBOOK. RANDOM HOUSE, INC., NEW YORK, N.Y., U.S.A.

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INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

A Vital Tip for Dealing with People

Whether you are a supervisor, a parent, a friend, or a co-worker, here is an important tip from Dale Carnegie on becoming more effective in dealing with people: Avoid criticizing or condemning.

• Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.
• Criticism is dangerous for it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. The resentment demoralizes employees, family members, and friends, and still not correct the situation.

Psychologist B. F. Skinner has proved that animals learn more effectively when rewarded than when punished. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes, and often incur resentment instead.

• Try to understand people. Instead of condemning, figure out why they do what they do. This attitude generates sympathy, tolerance and kindness.
• Show genuine appreciation. Everyone has done something good. Look for opportunities to show your genuine appreciation. People will become more receptive to your suggestion. You will find that you do not even need to criticize.

SOURCE: DALE CARNEGIE, HOW TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE AND YOUR JOB. POCKET BOOKS, SIMON & SCHUSTER, INC. 1230 AVENUE OF THE AMERICAS, NY, NY, U.S.A.

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RELAXATION

Music That Induces Relaxation

The type of music that you usually listen to may determine your state of relaxation. Some types of music make you tense, others make you excited, others make you relaxed.

Dr. Steven Halpern, composer and music researcher, has found that music with a more natural rhythm -- such as those that synchronize with our heartbeat and breathing -- tend to be more relaxing to most people. Examples of these are the slow second movement of some Baroque music by Bach, Handel, Vivaldi. They follow the natural one-beat-per-second rhythm of the heart.

Dr. Halpern states that "in contrast, the typical rhythm of rock music is exactly opposite to the heart's natural beat. That's one reason why people find it irritating or exciting. It confuses our natural inclinations."

Some of the longer-playing pieces for relaxation, says Dr. Charles Schmid, former director of the Learning in New Dimensions Institute of San Francisco, include Pachelbel's Canon in D, Mozart's Piano Concerto #21 (which became the theme song for Elvira Madigan), and Albinoni's Adagio in G.

The type of instrument used to produce these music will also play a part in inducing relaxation. Dr. Halpern found that in studies, the best general relaxation response was evoked with the sound of electric piano, flute, harp, and piano. "A string ensemble playing sustained tones is also good for most people, but the violin alone is too harsh."

SOURCE: EMRIKA PADUS AND STAFF OF PREVENTION MAGAZINE, THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO YOUR EMOTIONS AND YOUR HEALTH. RODALE PRESS, EMMAUS, PENNSYLVANIA, U.S.A.

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Prepared by:
Peace Center
Theosophical Society in the Philippines
tspeace@info.com.ph